Jokes


                                                                                                                                                       

Four tortoises were playing poker when they ran out of beer. They pooled their money and sent the smallest tortoise out to fetch the beer. Two days passed and there
was no sign of the tortoise.

" You know, Tommy is getting really slow nowadays", said one of the tortoises.
A little voice from just out side the door said, " If you are going to talk about me ,  I won't go."

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Richard : Would you punish someone for something he didn't do?
Teacher : Of course not.
Richard : That's good. I didn't do my home work last night.

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In a history class.
Teacher : Well, children! Today we will learn about our ancestors.
One little child : Sir , I heard from my father that our ancestors were monkeys.
Teacher : Please sit down we are not talking about your family.

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Little Raju was puzzled about family tree and ancestors. In order to clear his doubts, he asked his father. " Dad, what are ancestors?" " Well, my boy " explained the father as an example, I am one of your ancestors and your Grandmother in another. Raju pondered for a moment and said. " Then , why are people so proud about their ancestors."

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Anil : Madhu, what do you call your mother?
Madhu : Mum, of course.
Anil : OK. But, what about your mother's elder sister and younger sister?
Madhu : Aunty, what would you say?
Anil : Maximum and Minimum.

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Two boys turned up at a doctor's clinic. " I have swallowed a marble" said the smaller boy to the doctor. " I see," replied the doctor, " and is this your brother with you ?" " No," said the other boy, " I own the marble".

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Two little boys were talking.
" My eighty- year old grandfather gets up early morning to jog eight kilometers."
" That's fantastic! What does he do in the afternoon?"
" The last kilometer."

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A man died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gate, St. Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to higher literacy on earth. To gain admission, one had to  answer two questions:

  (1) : Name the two days of the week that begin with " T " and 2. How many seconds in a year?

The man thought for a few minutes and answered : 1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow, and 2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

St.Peter said : " OK. I shall by the Today and Tomorrow, even though it is not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"

The man replied : " Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd etc......."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.

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How do you start a bear race?
Ready, Teddy, Go !

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What's the best way to catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.

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Teacher : What's 2 and 2?
Pupil : 4.
Teacher : That's good.
Pupil : Good?, that's perfect!

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Why did the teacher put the lights on?
Because the class was so dim!

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What is a forum?
Two-um + two-um.

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Teacher : Where is your home work?
Pupil : I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger look every thing I had.

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What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!

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What kind of food do maths teachers eat?
Square meals!

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