Teacher: Why are you late?
Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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Teacher : "Hello boys, Remember !!! Nothing is impossible."
One of the 20 Students: "Ok Sir, You please take out all the toothpastes and put back it into the tube again."
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables!
Teacher: George can you count up to 5?
George counts up to 5 slowly using his Fingers.
Teacher: Good, now can you count any higher?
George climbs up on his chair and counts five again using his fingers.
Teacher: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Teacher: No, that's wrong
John: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Sarah: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
Teacher:George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
Silvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Silvia: Your name on this card (report card).
Teacher:In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
Sammy: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
Teacher:How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don't bite any.
Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Ellen: I is...
Teacher:No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
Ellen: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
Junior: You said it was my lunch money.
Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Class Comedian: Big hands!
Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime."
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
Teacher:What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.
Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.
A kid with a few packages in his arms asked a passerby, "Will you open the gate for me?"
The passerby said, "Of course, sonny."
The kid replied," Thanks. The gate was just painted and I didn't want to get my hands messy."
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love.
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
Teacher:Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil : A teacher.
Ed : How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?
John : You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated.
Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born!
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull are grazing in the field
Teacher : How ?
Student : Ladies first.
A Chemistry lecturer asked a student: What steps would you take if Sulphur dioxide escaped into the room?
The Student: Long steps.
Four tortoises were playing poker when they ran out of beer. They pooled their money and sent the smallest tortoise out to fetch the beer. Two days passed and there was no sign of the tortoise.
"You know, Tommy is getting really slow nowadays", said one of the tortoises.
A little voice from just out side the door said, " If you are going to talk about me I won't go."
A man died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gate, St. Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to higher literacy on earth. To gain admission, one must answer two questions:
(1) Name the two days of the week that begin with "T" ? and
(2) How many seconds are there in a year?
The man thought for a few minutes and answered :
(1) The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow, and
(2) There are 12 seconds in a year.
St.Peter said: "OK. I shall by the Today and Tomorrow, even though it is not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"
The man replied: "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd etc..."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.
Rajni was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency. During the discussion , she asked. "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies ? what will I get?
The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied: "A Life Sentence".
In a History Class
Teacher: Well, children! Today we will learn about our ancestors.
One little child: Sir, I heard from my father that our ancestors were monkeys.
Teacher: Please sit down, we are not talking about your family.
Anil: Madhu, what do you call your mother?
Madhu: Mum, of course.
Anil: OK. But, what about your mother's elder sister and younger sister?
Madhu: Aunty, what would you say?
Anil: Maximum and Minimum.
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